*** <--Means Clean Joke - Buddhism Joke
A Buddhist went up to a Hot Dog Stand and asked the attendant "Please make Me One with Everything".
The Best way to catch a Bear
Dig a big hole and put some ashes in the bottom of it. Then put some peas all around the edge of the hole and hide someplace. When a Bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
Why did Tiger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Poo.
*** My parents are in the Iron and Steel business.
Yeah.. My Mom irons and my Dad steals.
What does a Walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
What’s difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
What’s the difference between a husband and a boyfroend?
Parrot Joke One
A parrot is delivered from the pet shop and the maid answers the door. The delivery guy tells her that the pet store owner had reservations about sending this parrot because it used to live in a brothel. The maid says she’ll put it in the cage and see how it works out.
When the lady of the house arrives home the Parrot says: "Awwwwk! New Madam!"
Then the three daughters arrive home and the Parrot says: "Awwwwk! New Girls!"
Then Hubby arrives home and the Parrot says: "Awwwk! Good evening Frank!"
’Nother Parrot Joke
A guy goes to the pet store and askes how much the Parrot in the window is? The store owner says he’s free because nobody can keep him and he always comes back.
They approach the bird and he says: "Awwwk! Hey Shithead!" The Guy laughs and says .. Well I think he’s funny and maybe I can train him if he gets out of hand. The owner just shakes his head and says: "We’ll see".
At home the parrot is strangly quiet untill the Guy’s Girlfriend shows up and he says: "Awwwk! Hey Bonehead check out the Fat Slut!" Naturally the Girlfriend is highly offended and leaves.
The Guy goes up to the Parrot cage and says: "Well you stupid bird, she isn’t fat or a slut, now look what you did!"
His Mom arrives at the door and the Guy won’t let her in, saying that she should come back tomorrow. The Parrot yells out: "Awwwk! Who’s the old Turd.. Nerd?"
Well the Guy tries talking to the parrot and even starving him but the insults keep on coming. A Girl Guide comes to the door selling cookies and the Parrot yells out: "Awwwk! Hey Baby wanna Fuck?"
The Guy realizes that starving the bird could take forever and he’s getting into deep trouble with all the insults and swearing and reasoning with the bird does’nt work so he needs a better plan.
He takes the Bird into the kitchen and opens up the refrigerator. The parrot says: "Awwwwk! Hey dickwad put me in there so I can cool off!" The guy desperatly opens up the freezer compartment and stuffs the bird in there beside a frozen chicken.
All of a sudden he hears the Parrot pleading for his life. "AwwwK! Lemme out of here I’ll be good!" The guy says "Bullshit!" and leaves him there! The Parrot continues to plead so the guy gives up and lets him out.
"Are you really going to be Good" he says? The parrot nods and says: "Just tell me one thing Bud, What did that Chicken do?"
*** A blind guy’s mistake - Blond joke
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
"The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I’m a 6’ tall, 200 pound blond with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2," weighs 225 pounds, and he’s a blond weight lifter." He continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6’5" and pushing 300 pounds, and he’s a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah! Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."
*** Nother One
A woman calls a Contractor to her house to give her a bid on painting the interior of her house.
She takes him into the first room and tells him that she wants it painted pale green.
The contractor writes something down on his notepad, goes over to the window and yells down "Green side up!"
The homeowner takes him into the next room and tells him that she would like it painted rose colored.
The contractor again notes it on his note pad, goes over to the window and opens it. He then yells down, "Green side up!"
The woman was curious, but continued to show him the rest of the house.
In each room the contractor notes her color choice on his notepad and yells out the window, "Green side up!"
When the homeowner had completed the tour, she asked the contractor why he always yelled, "Green side up!" when she told him her color choice, when the colors were all different.
He laughed and replied, "I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"
"Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says "I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I’m a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, "I’m a N.E.R.D, you know... Not Even Remotely Dorky."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I’m a WIFE, you know..."
"Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
***Clean Joke - The Neighbour
Bob looked over the fence to see why his neighbour was digging and said: "Why are you digging?" and his neighbour said: "My fish is dead" and bob says: "its a pretty big hole for a fish isn’t it?" and the neighbour says: "Ya ..but your cat swallowed him"
***Which one is the cutest
there is a blonde, a brunette and a red head in a grade three class room...
Which one is the cutest? ......the blonde because she’s eighteen
***A blonde decided to.......
A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. "Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom because mine is the same size?" "Ten," said Buffy. So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 leftover!" "Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
Big Bad Wolf
One night at the club, little red riding hood and the big bad wolf were getting it on. After hours of dancing and fooling around, they went back to his place and he said: "I’m gonna huff and puff and blow my load in your box." Little Red Riding hood said: No way wolfy, stick to the story line motherfucker, and eat me!
Why its not easy being a dick
You have one eye you can’t see with. A head you can’t think with. You hang out with a couple of nuts. Your closest neighbor is an asshole and your best friend is a pussy.
Mickey Mouse went into his lawyers office again and demanded that he be able to get a divorce from Minny
The Lawyer ran through his papers and Said: "Well the last time you were in here you told me she was acting strangely!"
Mickey looked him in disgust and said "No.. I said She’s Fuckin’ Goofy!"
Two young boys are taken into McDonalds after their first day in a new public school.
The 7 yr old is asked what he wants and he replies with a big grin "I wanna fur burger and a side of thighs!"
Dad looks shocked and gives the boy a smack across the back of his head.
Then he asks the six yr old: "What do You want?".
The boy looks up at him and says: "Well I donno but for sure I don’t want no fucking fries!"
Father and Son talk
Young Son says: "Dad the kids at school sometimes say cunt and sometimes say pussy, are they the same thing?"
Dad says: "Not even close Son, go into the living room and I’ll show you the difference."
Dads girlfriend is passed out nude on the couch with a blanket over her.
Dad says: "Well lift up the blanket and have a look, That’s a Pussy!"
The Boy says: "Wow! ..can I touch it?"
Dad says: "Jeez no! don’t touch it, You’ll wake the cunt up."
Mother and Daughter talk
"Mom Why does Daddy sometimes seem like two people?"
Mom says "Well that’s because he has two heads"
"Do you mean he can think with both of them?"
"Well not exactly, One does all the thinking and the other just remembers how to walk."
Granddaughter and Grandma (who is partially deaf) talk
Tiffany says loudly "Gramma I was listening ...and the boys said a BAD"
Grandma replies "What did they say about your DAD?" cupping her hand behind her good ear
Tiffany yells louder "No! the Boys said a BAD!"
Grandma replies "Well you’re Dad is a Boy too, what did they say?"
Frustrated.. Tiffany yells "Asshole!"
Grandma looks puzzled, then takes her hand in a comforting way "I know dear, all men are."
Father and Son talk 2
Son asks: "Dad, How come Girls were made with a snatch?"
Dad says: "Well Son it’s so Guys will talk to them."
Newlyweds decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and said his hands were cold, so she said "put your hands between my thighs to warm them up". So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said "honey my hands are cold again". So she let him put his hand between her thighs again to warm them. He did, and then went out for more chopping, again only lasting a few minutes and rushed back in for his favorite kind of hand warming. "I hope you don’t mind" he said. "No! she replied, but Don’t your ears ever get cold?"
What’s the difference between a Hooker and a Lawyer?
A Hooker will stop fucking you when you die!
Laws of Life
Law of Mechanical Repair- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop- Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. On a boat it will go over the side.
Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi- If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law- If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters- The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers- If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location- No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law- If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
Oliver’s Law- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)
Doctors’ Law- If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
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